Photo Credits: Mike Pittman

You think that after all this time you can just walk up to me and say you’re sorry? That you can take every ounce of trust and care I put towards you, smash it into dust, and then come back and expect me to put it all behind me? Do you even know how much you meant to me then? When Sammy moved away I was left alone, no friends, a barely functioning family, and so many fears that I had no way of dealing with. Before I met you, no one else, save for her, had listened to my crazy ideas instead of giving me weird looks and actually tried to understand how I was feeling and help, unlike the people in my life trying to manipulate me to their side and asking me to keep secrets. When I had lost faith in anyone being there for me, you entered my life and I had hope again, but that was short lived. A few months later, I couldn’t be myself around you, you were suffocating me until I was afraid to speak, and then it was like most of that year never happened, you treated me like a stranger. No, even worse, you couldn’t even talk to me without the most hateful sound coming out. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that there had to be for you to change so suddenly and once again I had only my thoughts to help me. You left a gash, a tear growing larger each day, and I had no way of handling it.

The start of a new year and nothing had changed really, I knew I had to forget and move on, but I had no hope left in making friends. I met people, but like before I was only a blurred figure making a comment here and there, not really a part of a group. Then I met someone new, another guy that was making me forget the past, and I thought I was finally healing, but I guess my personality repels people because he started avoiding me like you. I was afraid, I couldn’t lose someone else, I grasped at whatever I could, but in the end I was given the only option to give up and let it slip away. I had thought that that tear was slowly being filled, but now that I think about it, I was just desperate for someone, anyone, to just be there for me, to understand me.

You know what?! I am done with all of this! I am no longer keeping any of my interests secret because I am afraid of how people will perceive me! I am tired of being afraid of being myself! I hate feeling like I have to grasp at straws for something that will make people like me! Today is the day I finally find the people in my life that I don’t have to rethink everything I say to them, how it can change their opinion of me!

You want the truth? Truth is I forgave you a long time ago, you should have known me well enough to know that I don’t hold grudges, but there is something that you may never have back, because I am not being crushed down to an empty shell again. I can’t afford to give you back my trust.