Listen, I know that you’ve never met her and I don’t want to get you nervous or anything, but I feel as though it’s my job to warn you. With her, well… it’s like preparing for battle. Here’s what’s going to happen. While everyone else is drinking water and stretching, she will begin to meticulously complain about every facet of her life, beginning with her slow Uber drive on the way over here. She’ll start ticking things off with her fingers, 1) His car smelled like cinnamon which is one of her least favorite scents next to mango. 2) He wasn’t listening to the radio which created an awkward silence and she hates hearing people breathe. 3) He pulled up to her building and then proceeded to smoke right outdoors which she thought was completely unprofessional and she made sure to mention it in her review. On her fourth point, when describing how slow he is, she’ll even begin to pretend to drive turning a fake steering wheel and making the noises of a car. Hey, don’t roll your eyes at me – I know her better than anyone – and this is how it’s been since we were kids.
Now, when she starts waving her hands around you’ll probably feel yourself getting tired of her constant bitching and moaning. You’ll probably be getting upset thinking about what a waste of time this complaining is. You’ll be thinking that this type of complaining seems to infect people’s minds more and more as they get older and withdraw into their social bubbles and away from reality. And you won’t want to hear her talk about Uber tragedies and Whole Foods’ lack of vegan options. And you won’t give a shit about her favorite bike repair store moving or if she should get highlights for summer. And you’ll think, “WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT PROBLEMS THAT DON’T EXIST? And if you’re getting really fed up, you’ll think, “Why does the definition of friendship now mean blindly pretending that everything the other person says is valid? Why does everyone let each other wallow in their nonexistent problems with their made up emotions and nod their head like their friend is a fucking martyr who’s saving the world one SoulCycle class at a time? Like they’re Ghandi or something, taking on the injustice of the overpriced gluten free cookie.” Of course you can’t ever say anything to her for fear of being marked as a judgmental bitch that has no soul. Instead you have to nod your head up and down agreeing with whatever silly issue that comes out of her mouth. And..oh wait, I think I see her coming…you’re ready right?